Lullaby (for solo voice)

Holding myself my thumb strokes false reassurances

My fingers linger for a moment over soft bare skin

I breathe in preemptive eyes closing momentarily

It never hurts like you think it’s going to hurt now at any rate

I want to exist in that moment but I barely feel it as it slips by

With sad swift motions less and less hesitant more and more desperate

I tear in again and again

Sometimes I wonder if I am going to stop ?

What if I keep on until every millimetre of me buds with delicate glistening beads ?

It rained earlier and rosaries of moisture cling to the underside of branches

they seep so slowly

I think they have stopped

but in the morning I peel myself away from the bed that is patterned with tiny blooms

Tears fade so quickly that I don’t have time to witness the shame of them

to sink for them

I can never describe it a resolve tinged with guilt

the bottom falling out
it’s like a jolt to the diaphragm

I rest in sighs and close my eyes

The heat of the shower tingles

the run off brassy and burnt
I’ll keep you I’ll cover you I’ll mourn you
When I’m ready I’ll reveal you
When you can no longer tell that the trauma is fresh

So I can brush you off while I secretly want you to see it?

Perhaps I want to see it out there in the world ?

Allow it to be out there in the world ?
So that I can frame myself within it somehow differently
So that it frames my interaction with the world somehow differently
To acknowledge how much the origin

wailed

wails and
writhes

I don’t expect you to do anything

just to witness and maybe think
or not ? no feel
I don’t know I’m tired

I try to buff the ink from the news print off on my jeans reaching for purchase to stand I wince my skin tight

it breaks open once more under my t-shirt
this time it does hurt out of alignment

the situation one step from my control

Serves me right for thinking I own myself

But at least I am feeling something else

A new and specific pain

One I can pinpoint

One I can address

One I can bathe and dress and take good care of


Like the mother I will never be