infestation

Your words gently carve channels into my skin

Burning pink as they catch the air

Itchy petty niggling pulled tight

I pick at it, study it like a piece of amber

Is this insect precious? Is this infestation?

But your silence is worse it gapes at me from across the room

I can see you blurry and distant you are in every crevice and not really there at all

Your scent lifts past me and out the door

I press my face into the dry earth and yellowed straw and try to breathe you in again

Hard chunks of grey earth, chips of stone, splinters under my nails

They split and will nourish the dirt until I flay off the top most layer

I know I am not enough, I know that

I know that my heart beats out of rhythm too low inaudible

But it soars too

It skips and springs and lifts my mouth at the corners

It is full and awake and in earnest

And it is yours even though you don’t want it

What is it we share?

It will entrench as dull resentment

It starts at the toes and slowly slithers upwards

My calf muscles twitching tired

I am afraid of hating you

Left to fester and to rot the foul stench of matted black clots

My heart beats low and slow because it is diseased

I push two fingers down my throat and silently gag I got good at that

The vomit slides out without too much fuss

But it is not what I want to purge