i’ve spent the morning shuddering wincing at memories unformed and abstract
just feelings nothing concrete
teetering on the edge of something
in the awareness of a sensation i am about to fall into
consumed scrambling at the earth it crumbles white and chalky through my fingers
i close my eyes against the soft globules peppering my face.
the railings outside the station steel rounded unthreatening curves
i want to smash my head into them feel my skull cave crunch and slap
at the meat beneath
the shattered fragments tearing in
penetrating with sticky release
the blood wells up it runs between the gaps spills onto the concrete warmth eking out into the grey coolness
the scent of metal
as a child i used to love the cold tingle as i pressed my tongue against the leg of a kitchen chair the tang of metal transferring from object to body body to object discovering my environment with seemingly innocent exploration
Where are your arms?
i pressed myself into you inhaled you
the must from your jacket collar faint sweat permeating layers
rising upwards and out from the line of your neck my face nestled in
happily drawn in i didn’t want to release you/for you to release me you are my stable ground
now part of my heart so far from me.
i didn’t realise it was gone a sudden shock that it wasn’t returning
now there is a gap i can’t fill
why is it so easy to leave me? maybe i know?
i kept expecting to find a sense of home somewhere i could let things finally go
stop constantly worry what everyone thinks of me i want you to find beauty in this
why do i care if you can find it when i can see it? peace i can see it until i question it.
how do you see me?
do you see the raking scars they rose rose, and then abated
the skin no longer stretched expanded and contracted
a relief map no sun can repair
the tide ripples across my stomach my thighs i lift my breasts. my belly flaps of skin they don’t hold their form my body is soft edges
i don’t know where it begins and ends it seems to fill space
taking up room - i resent it for taking up room
could you find a space for it? difficult to place